We ask ourselves many questions through the day, am I right or wrong? Do I like…? Am I good? Capable? Strong, the list can be endless but do we subtlety question if we are worthy? Is it so subtle that often we do not hear it? Sometimes, it can be so subtle it feels like it’s actually disguised as another completely different question.
I’m writing about this because it occurred to me how many times this can be disguised without us realizing it.
I remember when I was a child, most of my clothes my mother made or knitted, but some were bought. I disliked my home-made clothes, there was always something about them I just didn’t like. I wasn’t being snobbish, they were just not really ‘me’. I think it’s because I would be talked into choosing a fabric in the shop, which seemed like a good decision at the time but when it came to wearing a red dress with little blue carts being pulled by donkeys. Hmm, never really translated well! I did have a problem though with clothes bought in the stores too. A ritual would always have to be performed after we arrived home…
Everything would be fine, I would be handed my new clothes and told to put them away. Simple, right? We can all put new clothes away but we should be excited. We have new clothes! Hurray! Mine had to take a diversion, though…. To the bathroom. The bathroom had a lock on the door, which was perfect and needed when the new clothes had to be inspected, without disturbance… I would search every seam, button, lining, collar and hem until I found a fault. The fault once found was my Ah-ha moment. Once I had found it, it meant I could wear it with confidence. The dress had a flaw and I knew it, only me, but I knew it was there. If I couldn’t find the flaw, then there was nothing else to do but create a flaw! Again, now I could wear it!
I grew up with a narcissistic mother, which made life extremely difficult as a child and if you grew up with one, I know you will completely understand! It is only recently that this memory has decided to unfold itself to me. I understand what it means now and it’s very simple:
Am I worthy?
Am I worthy to wear the new dress? Yes, I am now! But I didn’t think so as a child, it is a question buried so deep in our psyches that we so often miss it or mistake it for something else.
When we have been abused, there are many questions and emotions like depression, anxiety and stress to confront ourselves with, but the one we so often forget is: Am I worthy?
Am I worthy... of love?
Am I worthy... of friendship?
Am I worthy of... my chosen career?
Am I worthy of... my family?
Am I worthy of ME?
It takes a long time to understand we ARE worthy!
Do you feel worthy?
Have you had issues finding your self-worth?
What helped you find your self-worth?